


to be (or not to be) soulmates

by chiiirp (orphan_account)



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Fluff, M/M, very sappy and self-indulgent tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 18:00:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12018111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/chiiirp
Summary: Not everyone in the world has a soulmate mark. Alec is one of those without one and convinces himself that he doesn't need love.Then he falls in love with Magnus, and maybe a soulmate mark isn't the only thing determining who your soulmate is.





	to be (or not to be) soulmates

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to my friend Naki for playing the comma police and beta reading this, you were a lot of help!
> 
> Anyway, I didn't write anything properly in forever and this was only supposed to be around 1k words, then it escalated a bit, whoops. There's a bit emotional abuse talked about in one scene (obviously not occuring between Magnus and Alec lmao), so in case that makes you uneasy pls be careful or skip the part after Alec asks Magnus if he had a bad day.

Alec Lightwood didn't need a soulmate.

In his teenage years he had gone through a lot of anxiety because he didn't have a soulmate mark. It wasn't even that terribly uncommon but knowing that a good quarter of the population didn't have one either hadn't helped one bit. Alec still had always felt like something was wrong with him. Why else would he not have a soulmate? Why else would there be no one who was an ideal match for him, who could understand and love him unconditionally? There had to be something about him that it made impossible for him to ever get to have that.

That his entire family was filled with people who had soulmate marks made it even worse. He was the only piece that didn't fit in and his parents loved to remind him of that. Not directly, no, but Alec wasn't blind and noticed how they were always harder on him than his younger siblings, how they never were satisfied with anything he did no matter how hard he tried. His best was never good enough for them.

Realizing that he was gay had only made that feeling get worse. It had taken him a long time to come to terms with it. He still remembered how sick he had felt whenever he had looked into a mirror, looking at himself and thinking how wrong everything about him was. It made perfect sense that fate was trying to let him know exactly that by not giving him a soulmate.

It had been like an open secret between him and Izzy and Jace that he was gay. They had always tried to let him know that it was no big deal, but only when Izzy had met her soulmate, who happened to be a girl, Alec had been able to let go of blaming his sexuality for not having a soulmate. In a way it had been freeing, knowing that not being straight had nothing to do with it, but mostly it had made it even worse. Because then that meant that there was something else about him that made it impossible for someone to exist who could connect to him on such a deep level like no one else would ever be able to.

Only a bit later he realized how stupid all of this was and that he should just let go of that topic entirely. No matter how much a good portion of the world tried to make everyone believe that nothing was more satisfying than having your soulmate by your side, there was plenty more to live for. A quarter of the world didn't even have the chance of meeting their soulmate, but that didn't mean their lives had to be miserable.

And Alec had plenty to live for, having a soulmate was unnecessary. He had wonderful siblings he loved with his entire heart and who'd he do anything for and thanks to Maia, Izzy's soulmate, he had figured out what he really wanted to do with his life. Not soon after she and Izzy had started dating, Alec had met her and to his relief he had actually liked her right away, enough to befriend her even. That was good. His sister only deserved the best after all and Alec would have personally found a way to erase soulmate marks if that weren't the case.

Thanks to his friendship with Maia, Alec eventually met Luke, who basically had raised Maia like his own daughter, and getting to know him had opened his eyes. Luke was the captain of his police station and after talking a couple of times about his work with him, Alec realized that this was what he wanted to do. Being a protector had always been like a second nature to him and trying to make the city a safer place sounded perfect for him.

So that was what Alec's life consisted of now: his siblings and his job. He didn't need anything else and love was overrated anyway.

Until he met Magnus Bane.

* * *

 

Saturday afternoons had a special place in Alec's heart. Not because he usually didn't have to work at that time, but because he got to read to kids in the local library. He had started doing so a couple years ago, when he had worked part-time at the library, and never really stopped. Obviously he didn't work there anymore, but the children loved him enough that the library hadn't wanted to let go of him entirely and Alec did love children too so he never had considered quitting. Most people wouldn't expect him to be the type to do this (Izzy told him often enough to act less uptight, less grumpy and usually his only reaction to that was rolling his eyes), but it was among his favorite times of the week, aside from when he got to see Izzy, Jace or Max of course.

This afternoon was no different from any other. Alec felt the tension of a week's hard work fall off his shoulder as he read a fairy tale to the kids, just for a different kind of tension to take over minutes after his reading session had ended. A man so beautiful approached him that Alec barely could even listen to anything he was saying.

Not knowing how to listen wasn't even his only problem, Alec didn't know where to look either. Sure, he had seen guys he considered attractive before, but never like this. Not in a way that he was unable to stop staring although he told himself to not do that. This man was just... gorgeous. From his brown, warm eyes to his lips to everything about him really, there was nothing Alec wasn't immediately attracted to. He felt drawn to him, as if he couldn't look away even if he wanted to.

Fortunately despite his gay crisis he still managed to catch a book title the man mentioned, so at least he could pretend he had listened and pray that he hadn't noticed how distracted he was.

"Oh, um, sure. I'm not- I don't actually work here, but yeah I can help you." Alec cringed at his own voice, at how uncertain and shaky it sounded, but at least he managed to reply at all.

"My mistake. I wouldn't want to bother you."

The man looked like he was about to back off, but also... not really? He seemed hesistant, but maybe that was only wishful thinking on Alec's part. It's not like a guy like that would ever want more from him. Still, he didn't want this conversation to end like this.

"I don't mind if you bother me. I-I mean you aren't a bother so," Alec blurted out, having no idea how to even finish that sentence, so he started leading the way to the shelf that was needed and only hoped the man would follow him. And he actually did, which was.. good. Very good actually. Alec had absolutely no idea how to do any of this, how he could maybe talk a bit longer to him because damn, he really, really wanted to hear more of that voice, get to look at him without it being weird and maybe he would even manage to make him smile somehow and then-

"And here I thought I'd have to start seriously regretting not paying a visit to this lovely library sooner. It would be such a shame if someone as handsome as you had been working here the entire time and I wasted time with anything but being here."

Alec almost choked and tripped over his own feet when he heard that. Was he seriously flirting with him out of all people and calling him handsome? Normally people didn't even want to talk to him because he came across as so intimidating.

"I'm Magnus, by the way."

"Alec."

He was glad he could turn away from Magnus for a moment to reach for the book he had been looking for. Dealing with someone flirting with him; _Magnus_ flirting with him, Alec was no good at this. The only kind of flirting he could handle was the unwanted kind because making someone back off was easy for him but talking to someone he was clearly attracted to? That was terrifying, but... exciting too.

"So," Alec licked his lips, silently cursing himself for opening his mouth without even knowing what to say. At this rate he'd accidentally throw the book at Magnus instead of handing it to him like a normal person. Then his gaze fell on the book and oh- "You like Shakespeare too?"

Magnus nodded and took the book from him. Their hands accidentally touched for the shortest moment, but as cliché as it was, that was enough for Alec's heart to beat faster.

"I do enjoy all kind of classics. In fact I read this one many times and actually have my own copy of it at home."

"Then why do you-"

"I needed a reason to talk to you, didn't I?"

Alec stared at him.

"You don't need to-, you don't need one for that. I'd still enjoy talking to you even for no reason."

Magnus laughed at that and god, his laughter was so beautiful, Alec would do anything to hear it more often, wanted to be the reason for this wonderful sound.

"How about we actually have a reason for a real talk? Maybe we could go out for dinner together on Friday if you are free?"

"You mean... a date?"

"If that's what you want it to be." Magnus winked at him.

"I'd love that. Go on a date with you, I mean."

If the wide smile on Magnus' face was anything to go by, he loved the idea of that just as much as Alec did.

* * *

 

They had exchanged numbers after that. Alec had been a nervous wreck since then. Was he supposed to text him and randomly start a conversation or did they only exchange numbers to discuss the arrangements of their date or in case one of them had to cancel? Was Alec supposed to think of where to go? Was there any protocol for situations like this?

As embarrassing as it might be he never had been on a real date before. He always had pushed everything related to any sort of romantic encounter away. Sure, Alec had a crush here and there as teenager, but never dared to act on it. The shame he had felt back then due to his sexuality hadn't helped either of course.

And then he had given up on the idea of love completely, the romantic kind at least. Had convinced himself that he didn't need it.

Of course Alec knew that people without soulmates still could be in happy relationships and find love. Hell, even people with a mark could be happy with other people who weren't their soulmate, having a mark wasn't a guarantee that you actually met them after all and not everyone was like Alec who decided that being in a relationship wasn't for him.

Izzy had often enough tried to push him to at least go on some casual dates, that it didn't have to be anything serious, that he should just have some fun, but he didn't see a point in doing that or what would be so fun about it.

Deep down Alec knew that he wasn't being honest with himself. He wasn't so out of touch with his own emotions to not realize that. Having someone who loved and accepted him entirely, who could really understand him and not mind all of his weak pathetic parts — he wanted that more than anything, but he didn't deserve it.

Yet he had agreed to going on a date with Magnus. Despite how certain he was and told himself that Magnus would figure out soon enough that Alec wasn't worth it, he still had agreed. He wasn't sure what it was about him that made him do that, but he just.. really wanted to see him again.

Taking risks wasn't like him, getting his hopes up even less, but a very small part of Alec dared to hope that maybe, just maybe, this could somehow work out.

* * *

 

Thursday evening Magnus texted him the address for some restaurant for their date and the heart emoji at the end of the message did way more to Alec than it should. It was just a stupid heart, it shouldn't affect him like this, but it did.

They actually had exchanged some short texts before that, mostly about nothing really aside from Magnus expressing how much he was looking forward to their date and Alec having a crisis for 20 minutes before texting him back that he was feeling the same way.

He barely got any sleep that night and he was glad that he took that Friday off. Going to work in his state would be a disaster for everyone involved. His nerves were going crazy, all he could think about was Magnus. About how badly he didn't want to disappoint him, how badly he wanted to see him again.

Fortunately (or maybe not so much) Izzy had time all afternoon to prepare him for his date. Initially Alec hadn't even wanted to tell her about it, but he always had been terrible at hiding things from her and he didn't like lying to her. As much as she could drive him nuts, he knew that he could rely on her more than anyone else.

Izzy had looked so excited when Alec had asked her for help with his date, he started to wonder just who of them exactly was looking more forward to it. The only comparison to her excitement he could think of was a little child who had just learned about Santa's existence for the first time and while Alec already loathed the interrogation he would have to go through after the date, he loved seeing her so happy. Even when she made him change his outfit around twenty times, annoyed him by being too nosy and demanding to hear every detail about his date, Alec loved seeing her be so full of energy and her support meant a lot to him. 

"Everything will go great, I just know it." She had said before pulling him into a hug. "I hope you'll find what you're looking for, big brother."

* * *

 

Izzy rarely was wrong about anything and she hadn't been wrong this time either.

His date with Magnus had been great. More than just great.

From the moment their eyes had met again all of Alec's anxiety had melted away. Being with Magnus was oddly comfortable, much more comfortable than he should feel with an almost stranger but Alec certainly wouldn't complain about that.

Mostly he had dreaded awkward silences during dinner, but that hadn't happened even once. Talking with Magnus was fun, easy, and the more he learned about him, the more fascinated he was by him. Not only because of the basic things about his life he told him about (though Alec definitely was impressed by him working as forensic scientist just like Izzy did and also putting a lot of time into a non-profit organization devoted to helping orphans), but mostly because of how he talked, how he acted.

How carefully he choose his words, how easily he could make Alec laugh with a terrible innuendo or pun here and there, how he seemed to be so genuinely interested in him and encouraged him to talk about himself without ever being too pushy, how full of warmth his eyes were when he was looking at him.

Magnus was... wonderful. Alec would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't already developing a crush on him.

Only when they arrived at Magnus' apartment Alec felt nervous again. Their date definitely had gone well, hadn't it? He didn't think he had misinterpreted it too badly. Magnus seemed to be interested in him just as much Alec was in him, so the chances to get to see him shouldn't be too bad. Still, a wave of insecurity hit him as they stood in front of his door.

When Magnus looked at him and opened his mouth to probably say goodbye, Alec couldn't stay silent.

"I want to kiss you so badly." He blurted out before he could regret it. Magnus looked a bit taken aback for a moment, but that didn't last for too long and a content expression was on his face instead.

"How about a deal: we go on a second date and then you get your kiss."

Alec had never nodded faster in his entire life and Magnus laughed.

"And just to be clear, I really want to kiss you too. Good night, Alexander."

* * *

 

They went on a couple more dates after that, learned even more about each other and shared their first few kisses. More than once Alec caught himself lost in thoughts because of Magnus and giddily smiling to himself which earned him a squeal by Izzy, a confused look by Jace or an amused stare before being told to focus on work by Luke.

Alec never thought he'd get to experience this, but he really wanted to be Magnus' boyfriend. So far they hadn't put a label on it and Alec wasn't sure if there was a rule for when the right time was, but he was fairly confident that Magnus didn't want to leave this at just a couple of dates either.

It was after Magnus invited him into his apartment for a couple of drinks after another date when Alec brought it up because he had to be sure Magnus wanted the same. And god, was he glad that they were drinking. Not enough to be anywhere close to drunk (he doubted anyone could really get drunk from a glass of wine), just enough for him to be able to shake the anxiety of being rejected off.

"So, are we.." He started, unsure where to look, but in the end his eyes were drawn to Magnus who was sitting next to him on the couch. As nervous as this conversation made him, Magnus was always patient with him and looking at him made him feel more calm, "I mean, I just... I like you a lot and I was wondering if.."

"Are you asking me to be your boyfriend, Alexander?" Judging by the tone of his voice and the way he looked back at him, he seemed to have expected it. He didn't look upset but there was something off about him. Nonetheless Alec nodded because he was sure about this, about them.

"I like you a lot, too. Trust me, I really do." He could hear the 'but' following that statement and Alec suddenly felt sick. Had he misunderstood the situation so badly and Magnus didn't want anything serious? But if he liked him too, why did he.. Unless he was just being nice while rejecting him.

"I want to give us a chance too, please don't get me wrong." Magnus added, apparently noticing his panic and Alec felt Magnus' hand gripping his own, squeezing it softly. "There is just... something I have to ask you. I should have done this sooner, I apologize."

"What is it?" Alec didn't even care about how desperate he sounded, he needed to know what was holding him back.

"Alexander, do you have a soulmate mark?" Magnus let go of his hand again, instead he nervously started playing with the rings on his own. Alec had never seen him like this before, so unsure and vulnerable. "Because no matter how much I like you and how much I would love to be your boyfriend, I can't be with you if you have one. I can't date you and always have to fear that you will leave me from one day to another because you met your soulmate. I...I can't do this."

....Huh.

Alec actually surprised himself for never having worried about the same since they started seeing each other. The thought of Magnus having a soulmate mark had never even crossed his mind which was quite unusual for him. He was always overthinking and worrying about everything too much, yet being with Magnus had made him forget about all that.

But no, he wouldn't space out now, he wouldn't get lost in his thoughts. Not when he still hadn't given Magnus a reply and he looked so insecure, probably assuming Alec wasn't sure how to tell him that he had a mark.

"I don't have one." He said. "And I guess you don't..?"

"I don't have one either." Relief was written all over Magnus' face. Alec couldn't help but lean in and kiss him. That's all he ever wanted to do anymore, kissing him over and over again until nothing else in the world mattered anymore. In fact, right now it was the only thing that mattered to Alec so naturally he made an embarrassing whining noise when Magnus pulled away a bit to look at him.

"And to get back to your question," He grinned at him teasingly. "I think you should kiss me again, just so I can absolutely be sure about us being boyfriends."

That was a request Alec obviously would never say no to.

* * *

 

"Maybe it's fate we met." Magnus laughed, bumping his shoulder against Alec's as they were on their way to get lunch together. In the past Alec would have frozen at any mention of fate because he despised it, but Magnus was right - it was kind of funny how it took them weeks to realize that Magnus and Luke knew each other. Apparently Alec hadn't mentioned either of their names to each other, so it had taken Magnus picking Alec up from work for him and Luke to bump into each other.

"So you're the one who distracts one of my best men and makes him less grumpy, Bane." Luke had laughed and Magnus had joined his laughter.

"And you're the one who makes my boyfriend work too much, Garroway."

As it turned out they knew each other for years already and were good friends. It was ridiculous that this never had come up before, but it's not like Alec had ever asked for a complete list with names of Magnus' friends and Magnus never had asked for the name of his boss either.

Hell, Luke wasn't even the only person Magnus had known before meeting Alec. He had heard of his sister before, of what a competent and amazing forensic expert she was and the day him and Izzy had met, they had been lost in a conversation for hours. (Alec had been glad that they got along so well. He hadn't doubted that before, but it was a big relief and he could understand now why Izzy had been so happy about him and Maia being friends.)

It was honestly funny in some way, that there were connections like that between their lives, that they could have easily met a lot earlier. They barely lived 30 minutes away from each other on top of that, so there could have been so many other chances for them to meet.

"Yeah, maybe it was fate." Alec agreed.

* * *

 

He hadn't spent much thoughts on what it would be like to be in a relationship before, thinking he'd never find himself in one, but that it would feel like he finally knew how to breathe surely wouldn't have been on his list of expectations. Alec felt lighter than he ever had before, as if he had carried a giant rock on his back without even realizing it until Magnus had walked in and took it off him.

Being with him made him happier than anything else. Even when Magnus ranted to him about his work and he didn't even understand half of what he was saying (he threw in scientific terms that he couldn't even pronounce), even when he made him watch one of those terribly dramatic tv shows that only managed to make Alec cringe.

To be fair he didn't mind that part with terrible shows at all because it meant he got to hold Magnus and press kisses into his hair.

What was even better than holding him was being held by Magnus. That's what he had discovered the first time they had slept in the same bed and he had woken up with his back being pressed against Magnus' chest and his arms around him. Very strong arms at that and half of the reason why being the little spoon made Alec feel so safe.

And kissing him. Kissing him was incredible and Alec was certain there was no way he'd ever get tired of feeling Magnus' lips on his. That he'd ever be so affectionate with someone, Alec had never expected that to happen, had never dared to hope for it. He loved every second of it.

(Maybe it should scare him a little how fast and hard he was falling for Magnus, but it didn't.)

* * *

 

"Do you think there's a reason why some people don't have a soulmate mark?" Alec asked him one morning when they were lazily lying in bed side by side, too comfortable to get up anytime soon. He liked being able to ask Magnus whatever came to his mind. Sometimes they had the weirdest conversation during this kind of mornings, all because Alec blurted out what he was thinking about while still being practically half asleep.

It was nice, just getting to say what he was thinking without being judged. (Or at least not too harshly, because Magnus definitely had judged him a little bit that one time when he had dared to ask if cats had feelings.)

"I don't think so. A lot of research was done to figure that out actually, but there weren't any results. Oh, but there was a study once about-"

Alec zoned out soon enough, not feeling quite capable of following what Magnus was telling him properly. Usually he'd feel at least a little bit bad for not paying attention properly but it was early morning and he needed at least his coffee to be able to properly focus on anything that required much thinking. But regardless of that, he did love listening to him. Alec was convinced that there was no topic Magnus couldn't talk about without making it appear more exciting and colorful than it actually was. There was something so endearing about the way he told stories that it made his heart do backflips.

"You're cute." Alec interrupted his boyfriend and giggled, actually giggled. That made him definitely realize that he was even more tired than he had thought.

"You need to sleep more." Magnus playfully rolled his eyes. "Here I am, spending my precious time to explain complex issues to you and all you get from that is that I am cute? Should I be offended that you weren't listening to me?"

"I was listening." Both of them knew that it wasn't the truth and Alec yawning didn't exactly support his weak defense either.

"Go back to sleep, sweetheart." Magnus laughed, pressing a kiss to his cheek before pulling him in closer and turning on his back so Alec could rest his head on his chest. "I'll still be here when you wake up."

* * *

 

It was without a doubt strange, a bit terrifying even, how Jace ranting about nonsense like Simon cheating in some soccer video game  made Alec think of himself and Magnus. No, they absolutely did not play games like that, but the situation in general felt familiar. Never had he expected to be able to relate Jace in a way like this, but life could be unexpected sometimes.

"Magnus likes to cheat too just so he can win. We can't even go bowling together without him having some trick ready."

Jace raised an eyebrow.

"You mean you get distracted by staring at his ass, right?"

If anyone else had said that, Alec would maybe have blushed and immediately tried to change the topic, but this was Jace. He was used to hearing worse than that so he just shrugged.

"It's still cheating."

"Dude, it's really not. Not his fault that you can't control yourself. What Simon did though, that's really low. Like can you believe that he..."

Alec could only roll his eyes. Hearing him defend Magnus was quite something already, but basically complaining about Simon being smarter than him and looking up tricks for team building or whatever online was ridiculous. He wouldn't even bother to point out that Jace could do the same, so the game could be more fair. (Thank god Jace had found Simon and didn't try to force Alec into playing the dumbest games anymore.)

Him and Simon, that really had been a surprise. They couldn't be more different and it had been a shock for everyone really that those two, out of all people, were soulmates, but they seemed to work really well together. They weren't dating and had no interest in each other that way. Alec knew that Jace would never want to be romantically involved with anyone.

It was different from how Alec used to reject romance and wanted nothing to do with it. He had been in denial and deep down had actually wanted that, while Jace just genuinely didn't care for it and never felt like he needed it.

Considering that he and Simon were something like best friends, just closer in a way that only soulmates could be, it weirded Alec out a bit at first that some parts of their dynamic reminded him of himself and Magnus, but it made sense actually.

They weren't just lovers, they were best friends too. And that was exactly why being with Magnus was so relaxing. They weren't just together because they were attracted to each other. Not everything they did had to do with any sort of romantic feelings they had for each other. They laughed a lot together, shared interests, played games together which usually resulted in both of them being way too competitive, actually talked to each other about everything and Alec didn't trust anyone more than he trusted Magnus.

"Soooooo." Apparently Jace was finally done with his rant and there was a teasing glint in his eyes that made Alec groan internally. "How are things with you and Magnus? Still on cloud seven? Ready to prepare for your wedding? Any plans for your honeymoon already?"

"Shut up." Alec hissed and Jace laughed, but then a rare serious expression was on his face.

"Okay but for real, you're happy with him, right? I'd hate if you weren't. You deserve being happy more than anyone."

"I am. Magnus is... he's great. More than great." Alec said softly. He was about to add more, just so Jace could be convinced for real that Magnus was everything he could have ever asked for, but right then Izzy showed up and interrupted them.

"You're just in time to hear Alec ramble about how much he loves Magnus." Jace commented and the fact that just hearing that made Izzy squeal already made Alec want to run out of the apartment right then and there. But he couldn't do that, even if he seriously wanted to, because Izzy had thrown herself at him and was clinging so tightly to him that there was no escape.

"You two are so in love, I'd be jealous if I didn't already have the most amazing girlfriend in the world." She giggled. Being mad at her was impossible when she was so excited just because Alec was dating someone.

"Annoyingly adorable, that's what they are." Jace sighed. "Seriously, how can someone be so into someone else? It's almost gross how much they love each other." Izzy smacked the back of his head for that.

"It's cute, not gross! Leave them alone."

"You out of all people tell me to leave them alone, Izzy? Miss 'I already picked out five different wedding locations for them'?"

"I'm just happy for our brother, you should be too."

"I am, but that doesn't mean I want to know about every detail of their relationship just so I can use that knowledge to make their wedding more 'personal and special'."

Alec tuned out and let them bicker. Normally he'd say something, he'd tell them to stop and mind their own business, but this time he didn't mind it too much.

The things Magnus made him do, or in this case not do; it was ridiculous.

* * *

 

His gaze wandered to Magnus who was sitting next to him in bed. He was leaning back against the headboard and reading a book while Alec himself had lied down and was just watching him. Izzy and Jace had both used 'love' to describe his relationship with Magnus and it made him wonder. He tried recalling everything he had heard about love before, about how, yes, of course you could love your family and friends with your entire heart and yes, you could also have a lover, but he also always had been told that you never could love anyone as deeply as your soulmate and those without marks would never get to experience a love this deeply.

He thought of those with marks around him that he did know; how fierce the love Izzy and Maia shared seemed to be; how he could never quite figure out what was up with Jace and Simon but that it was clear as day that they had a special connection, no matter how much Jace acted as if he was appalled by the concept of having feelings for anyone.

It made him wonder if anyone saw him with Magnus and thought that they had the same as them despite that not being the case.

When Alec looked at his boyfriend all he could think about was how there was no one else who made him feel like he could truly be himself, that he didn't have to hide any parts of himself and no matter how ugly some of these parts were, Magnus was still there with open arms and accepted them all. Being with him made him feel safer than anything or anyone else. And he wanted to be the same to Magnus.

Making him happy was Alec's priority. He took pride in the fact that he could read Magnus like an open book most of the time now. It wasn't easy to do that but relationships took effort so Alec had put all of his effort into learning everything he could about Magnus and save all that information in a corner of his brain dedicated to him alone.

"Someone is thinking very loudly." Magnus commented amusedly, a hand in Alec's hair and caressing it gently. Alec hadn't even noticed that he had put his book away and caught him staring. A month or two ago he would have been at least a bit embarrassed by that, but not now, not when-

"I love you."

The words were out before Alec's brain could catch up with his mouth. Magnus' eyes widened slightly in shock. Alec hadn't even meant to say it, but he wasn't going to take it back either. It was the truth, simple as that. He loved him, so why would he hold back?

His heart felt like it was going to burst if he held back anything any longer, so Alec sat up and cradled Magnus' face in his hands. He had to do this properly, let him know how much he meant to him.

"I love you." Alec said again, feeling a wide grin spread on his face because god, he had never thought love confessions could feel so easy, so good. In movies it seemed to always be so dramatic, but that couldn't be further from the truth. "I never thought I'd get to feel this way about anyone. Ever. But now I have you and you— you're so amazing. You're so much more than what I could have ever dreamed of. You make my life so much better by being here. I-"

Magnus silenced him with a kiss. When he pulled back from it, there was a smile so bright on his face that it could easily outshine the sun. Alec was absolutely certain about that. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen.

"I love you, too."

* * *

 

(Sometimes Alec wondered if their relationship would be much different if they were soulmates, if it was even possible to feel even more of a connection with someone.

But he decided it didn't matter. Magnus was everything he needed and wanted, he couldn't be any happier than he was with him.)

* * *

 

On terrible days all Alec wanted to do was going home, falling into Magnus' arms and hiding his face in his chest til he fell asleep. Today in particular had emotionally crushed him and the only one who would be able to offer him any sort of peace and safety was his boyfriend.

The moment Alec stepped into the living room and pressed a short kiss on his boyfriend’s lips, Magnus seemed to be aware that something was wrong, gently guiding him to lie on the couch and rest his head in his lap. He didn't force him to speak, Magnus never did. All he did was caressing his hair and waiting for him to be ready to tell him what was wrong. He never pressured him if Alec really didn't want to talk about it, but both of them knew it was better for them to communicate openly. It was one of the strongest parts of their relationship.

"I don't deserve this. Having you here and taking care of me, I don't deserve it." Alec mumbled after how long he didn't know.

"What makes you think that?" His voice was as soft as ever, the movement of his fingers in his hair never stopped. Alec wondered if he'd still talk like this to him if he realized what a failure his boyfriend was.

"Because I'm not good enough. I'll never be good enough." Then he started talking, unable to stop until he got it all out.

He told him about this case he was working on, about how there was a murderer who kidnapped children from playgrounds and killed them. How they had found another dead child today and Alec couldn't stop blaming himself for it. If only he was faster, smarter, better, if only he had figured out who the murderer was and locked him away, then that child wouldn't have to die. He knew it wasn't good how emotionally invested he was in this case, that he should be able to keep a distance between himself and his work, but how could he do that when innocent children had their lives ripped away from them and Alec was too goddamn useless to do anything about it.

Alec didn't even realize that he had started crying and he didn't notice either when Magnus had changed their position so Alec was sitting in his lap with his face pressed into his shoulder, one of Magnus' hand rubbing circles on his back and the other resting on the back of his head.

"It's not your fault." He mumbled. Alec didn't have any energy left to argue back. "You are good enough, more than good enough. You give everything you have and do anything you can to solve this case, I know that. You always throw yourself completely into something and don't give up no matter what, even when you doubt yourself so much and that's what makes you so strong and amazing. You didn't kill anyone, none of this is your fault."

If anyone else had told him that, Alec wouldn't have believed them. But it was Magnus who said those words to him and he would never say anything he didn't have absolute faith in.

He still felt bad, would feel bad for a while longer because he hated feeling so useless, but having someone who loved and supported him so much helped to ease the guilt in his chest. The Alec from months ago would never have let himself be weak in front of anyone, would never have cried where anyone could see it, but that was all different now. He was safe here, he didn't have to keep any guards up when he was with Magnus.

(Home, that's what Magnus was to him.)

* * *

 

When Alec arrived at the door to his boyfriend's apartment, he hesitated. The reason for that was silly, but it still took him a good five minutes to actually work through it. Magnus had given him keys to his place a couple of days before and assured him he was always welcome here, but he had yet to actually use them. He knew Magnus was home and for a moment Alec considered using the doorbell, but that would be ridiculous, wouldn't it? It would be silly to do that when he could just use the keys, _his_ keys, but he still felt... nervous about this.

It shouldn't feel like a big deal, not when he spent more time here than in his own apartment. It made perfect sense that Magnus wanted him to have his own keys. At this point it was only a matter of time until Alec moved in for good, giving up his old home, and he knew Magnus wanted him here, but still... it felt like a big step, to let himself in and just walk into his apartment like it already was _theirs_ (and maybe it already was theirs, but he didn't want to make assumptions).

But well, he could only stand in front of the door like an idiot for so long. He didn't want to deal with the embarrassment of a neighbor walking into this situation, so with almost shaky hands he opened the door finally and went in.

Promptly he found Magnus in the living room and something felt... off.

"Bad day?" Alec asked. The nod he got in reply was so weak that he actually started to worry. Magnus was unusually quiet and staring into nothing, a glass of whiskey resting in his hand. It felt like he wasn't there at all. On days when he was slightly upset, he normally ranted to Alec about it; when he was feeling really terrible, his first instinct tended to be to try to hide it from Alec. The fact that he did neither of those things was alarming.

"That bad, huh.." Alec mumbled more to himself than to Magnus, aware that he wouldn't even notice it anyway. He sat down next to him, close enough so he could reach out and hold his hand if he wanted to.

"I met Camille today." He whispered after what felt like an eternity but could only be a couple of silent minutes, closing his eyes and looking more exhausted than Alec had ever seen him.

Alec knew who she was of course, though he didn't know many details. All he knew was that she was his ex, that Magnus had been together with her for two years before she had broken his heart. He never had asked more, hadn't wanted Magnus to be forced to remember someone who had caused him so much pain. As long as he didn't want to talk about it, his past didn't matter to Alec. If he wanted to tell him, he would gladly listen, but if he didn't want to it wasn't a big deal either.

"It shouldn't bother me anymore, but.. it does." Alec didn't like how broken his voice sounded. He wanted to comfort him somehow, maybe put a hand on his back and rub slow circles on it or hold his hand, but he wasn't sure if it was welcome right now. Magnus looked like he was going to say more, but then he shook his head. "I'm sorry, this has to be so weird for you."

"Why would it be weird?"

Magnus weakly chuckled.

"Because you're my boyfriend and here I am getting all upset over my ex although I should be over that and not be so pathetic and still let her affect me?"

It was Alec's turn to shake his head.

"It's not pathetic. She meant a lot to you and hurt you, you have every right to be upset."

"You're too good to me." Magnus leaned closer to him until his head rested against his shoulder. Alec didn't let another second pass and put an arm around his boyfriend, pulling him closer and pressing a kiss into his hair. A pleased sigh left Magnus' lips. "Always so good to me. You don't even know what she did. Don't you want to know?"

"Only if you're comfortable with telling me."

Magnus stayed silent long enough for Alec to be about to reassure him again that he didn't have to tell him, but then he spoke.

"You already know I was with her for two years. I had many relationships before, but none of them ever was as serious to me and with her, I thought... I thought it really could last. Thought that we'd even get married one day. I was so stupid." Magnus stopped for a bit which told Alec enough about how hard this really had to be for him. Silence sometimes could say a lot more than words. He didn't need to look at his face to know that there was pain in his eyes.

"I should have seen it coming really." He continued, accompanied by a bitter sounding chuckle. "Everyone always warned me and told me to stop being so blind, but I was too stubborn, too in love to listen. Whenever she was cruel and let out her bad mood on me, I chose to let it pass. I made up excuses in my head, that maybe she had just a bad day. I tried to convince myself that she didn't really mean what she was saying. She found so many things about me to complain about, like that I was too clingy and needy when all I wanted was to spend some time with her. The worst part was that she knew me too well, all my insecurities and weaknesses, so she knew exactly what to say to hurt me. And I let her do that for too long. I was so desperate for love, I let her ruin me."

Alec had to do his best to swallow down his anger. How could anyone dare to treat Magnus like that? How could anyone have the privilege to be in his heart and be so terrible to him? Anyone who wasn't a complete fool should be able to tell how special and all kinds of wonderful he was. Alec couldn't even imagine looking at Magnus and not being willing to give him the sun, the moon and all the stars in the universe if he asked for it. He deserved everything good in the world, not what Camille had done to him.

"It turned out she and I viewed our relationship very differently. One day she met her soulmate and she left me the same day. Told me that I had been stupid to ever think she would seriously stay with me and that I should have known better. Oh, and that she never truly loved me and only wanted a way to waste her time. Apparently I was entertaining enough for that."

Magnus let out a shaky sigh.

"And seeing her today.. I didn't even talk to her, but I was just.. not expecting it at all, so I guess that's why it threw me off so much. I'm sorry for dumping all of this on you."

"Don't apologize." Alec immediately replied and turned a bit so he could look at him. It almost made him wince to see the man he loved so much so vulnerable. "Don't ever apologize for something like that. I'm glad you told me and.. I'm so sorry you had to go through that."

"Thank you, Alexander." Magnus whispered. Alec refused to do anything but hug him as tightly as he could right then, so that's exactly what he did. Holding him was all he wanted to do. Holding him and keeping him safe and making sure no one could ever hurt him again.

He didn't know how long they stayed in that position, how long he was keeping him close and caressing his back, until Magnus pulled away, just enough so they could look at each other. It almost took Alec's breath away when he saw the expression on Magnus' face. There was so much love in it, it was almost overwhelming to know that it was all directed at him.

"I thought I'd stay lonely for the rest of my life." Magnus began softly, placing his left hand on Alec's cheek and Alec subconsciously leaned into the touch. "I didn't think I could ever open my heart to anyone again. Until I met you."

Alec wondered what he had done to deserve being looked at as if he was the center of someone's, Magnus', universe.

* * *

 

He was more and more convinced that fate had made a mistake. Him and Magnus not being soulmates, it was ridiculous.

From the moment they had met, there had been something between them, something he couldn't quite put into words. Neither of them had even dared to dream of falling in love, but it was as if part of their hearts or souls had known from the start that they could have something special if they only gave it a chance.

Magnus was more than just the person he was in love with. There were so many ways to describe what he was to Alec, but calling him his soulmate sounded like the most fitting one although that was the one thing he wasn't.

Or maybe he was.

* * *

 

It wasn't unusual for them to enjoy the end of the day sitting on their balcony and talking about everything and nothing. Sometimes their conversations were serious, sometimes all they did was teasing each other, sometimes they stayed silent and simply enjoyed being with each other. Magnus had told him once that it was important to remember what they were living for and to fight for it. It was moments like this that made Alec think that everything in his life so far had been worth it if it had lead him to Magnus.

This time Magnus was telling him about a dream he had last night, something about demons and other completely unrealistic things and it took everything in Alec not to laugh when Magnus made an offended noise because Alec had dared to call it silly.

"I can't believe you would insult my dream like this. I expected more of you, Alexander."

"Demons aren't real." Alec insisted.

"Maybe not in our world, but they might exist in another. Who knows, maybe in a parallel universe you really chase demons instead of criminals. Can you prove me wrong?" Magnus raised an eyebrow, clearly trying to challenge him and, for just a second, Alec forgot how silly this topic was because he actually wanted to accept the challenge.

Instead of answering Alec rolled his eyes and looked away from him, not wanting to see the smug grin on his face. He knew how to pick his battles and one about hypothetical other universes was one he could afford to lose. Magnus could have this one easy win.

There was another idea that came to his mind though thanks to this conversation and he didn't have much of a filter when they were alone like this, so it didn't surprise him much that he had said his thoughts loud without planning to do so.

"Do you think we're together in other universes?"

His gaze went back to Magnus, just in time to see how the surprise in his eyes turned into something softer, warmer.

"I don't see why we wouldn't be." He said so quietly that Alec almost didn't hear it. Once his words sunk in, relief hit him. Relief that Magnus thought the same he did, that there was no simpler truth than that, that there was no way that they wouldn't fall in love with each other over and over again.

Alec opened his mouth to speak, then he paused and took a deep breath instead. He wanted to say this right, needed to sound as confident as he felt about it. Magnus deserved to know how much Alec believed in what they had.

"I feel like no matter how difficult it is or in which world we are, you and me, we'll always find our way to each other."

Barely a moment passed after his statement until Magnus leaned closer to him and rested his forehead against Alec's, smiling so brightly at him that Alec wanted to freeze time and stay in this moment forever.

"We will."

**Author's Note:**

> wow can you believe malec are soulmates in every single universe, even in one with actual soulmate stuff and they """officially""" aren't soulmates but they are anyway because their love is this strong? i know.


End file.
